So whats your number? Part1
I inadvertently rubbed another blogger the wrong way recently by offering some unsolicited 'advice'. I won't go into any detail cause that really isn't what this story is about (why men gotta be so insensitive sometimes? Mo work on your shit man!) but what I found interesting was how in letting off steam she felt she had to reiterate that she had only had two sexual partners in her lifetime. Now I had already said that point wasn't relevant for me but it obviously was for her. It reminds me of the Christina Aguilera song where she says '...sorry I'm not a virgin and sorry I'm not a slut...'. Its obviously a sensitive spot. Homeboy then put two and two together and before I end up with 4 (or maybe even 7) I just thot it'd be useful to seek some other views.
Now tight as me and my girl be, this kind of shit I can't even consider bringing up with her. Why? Cause it was the source of some major friction when we first hooked up. She had only ever been with one sexual partner before me and since my intentions are honourable with her I kind of worried that it might mean that 10 years down the line she might wonder if she was missing out by only ever being with two men. Now that was another occasion when I should have kept my damn mouth shut. She basically tore me a new one (fortunately the only time where she has let off on me like that......well almost only) . Me being the man that I am I had been upfront with her about where I had been when we were first getting close just so we were all clear (I'm ashamed to say my number was well into the double digits). So I guess that she took it that I was questioning her morality, decency, why did I want to date her if I didn't trust her etc , I think you get the gist. She also was unhappy that I was judging her using my own yardstick. So you can see its not really something I can bring up with my baby.
There's the background and now here I am wondering what people think are respectable numbers. Whats too low and whats too high? Should it differ dependent on whether you are male or female? How is it related to age? ie are you excused having a 'high' number if you over 30 and still single? How many people are comfortable with saying what their number is cause we all anonymous here (and would you say the same thing if we met at a party face to face?).
Now tight as me and my girl be, this kind of shit I can't even consider bringing up with her. Why? Cause it was the source of some major friction when we first hooked up. She had only ever been with one sexual partner before me and since my intentions are honourable with her I kind of worried that it might mean that 10 years down the line she might wonder if she was missing out by only ever being with two men. Now that was another occasion when I should have kept my damn mouth shut. She basically tore me a new one (fortunately the only time where she has let off on me like that......well almost only) . Me being the man that I am I had been upfront with her about where I had been when we were first getting close just so we were all clear (I'm ashamed to say my number was well into the double digits). So I guess that she took it that I was questioning her morality, decency, why did I want to date her if I didn't trust her etc , I think you get the gist. She also was unhappy that I was judging her using my own yardstick. So you can see its not really something I can bring up with my baby.
There's the background and now here I am wondering what people think are respectable numbers. Whats too low and whats too high? Should it differ dependent on whether you are male or female? How is it related to age? ie are you excused having a 'high' number if you over 30 and still single? How many people are comfortable with saying what their number is cause we all anonymous here (and would you say the same thing if we met at a party face to face?).
posted by Morountodun | 12:46 pm
15 Comments:
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morountodun..
I think you missed the point of the entry, what was said was relevant to what was being written about at least from the bloggers point of view, the number was just a foot note, and it seemed you made a bigger deal out of it than even the blogger did.
The blogger mentioned it once in the post in relation to giving both body and soul both those times, not as a 'count score' but as a way to illustrate the level of commitment/intensity to the partners. The most important bit there was not the number of people but giving body and soul to those people.
I read your response to the blogger and even I was left scratching my head thinking.. 'hnnn'.
I think sometimes when we vent, it's not that we don't recognise what we do, we are just putting it out there in order to release..
It seems that you misunderstood where the blogger was coming from on a very very big scale and your response to the post seemed to read in almost accusatory manner and was on a completely different level.
It would be similar to me reading your post about the Jamaican woman calling you an uncle tom and saying, well maybe you shouldn't do this or do that, and why do you have to mention how many black people are in the office, how is it relevant?...
This not the way I feel about that post at all.. it's just similar to the response you gave to the post in question... can you see it?
with regards to numbers, IMO it's not the numbers that make you a slut, it's what and how you do things that make you a slut.
It's not a game on who has gbenshed the most, it's how can you best please me.
I recall hearing a story about Dennis Rodman who said he had slept with over 2000 women, my first reaction was, well how many of them wanted to sleep with him a second time?, it can be easy to spread it around town, but how easy is it to get repeat 'visitors'?.
Check this out~ http://vixentales.blogspot.com/2006_03_01_vixentales_archive.html
I would type my response here but I think Soul did a good job.
Soul thanks for your response. On the other board first thing I did was raise my hands say 'my bad' and apologise. I still think the bloggers reply was rude but I guess in life you live and learn so I move on (must admit would rather leave that debate there).
Re: the number thingy I called it Part1 cause I just knew that the debate would give me food for thought and its yielded fruit aplenty already. I never knew that it was explored in American Pie (thanks Vixen!, I need to get hold of that film). Also I must emphasize I'm not trying to explore the issue to be judgemental in any way (forget the labels ie slut, dog etc) just trying to understand. (I guess this is my small print lol).
I was having a conversation with a work colleague yesterday when I was running the thing through my head (men can mulit-task you know, for real) and he said he wasn't even 'getting with' no woman whose number was higher than 4. It was amazing how unwittingly he exposed his double standards as I know fa sure his number is so much higher than that!
Morountodun (I'll say it again FAB name!)
Yeah, you know you manned up and even the blogger in question gave you your props for that and I do. cos if you check around the naija blogosphere you'll see that most don't, they just say whatever and then blame you for having a blog.
I don't think you realise exactly how caustic your post came across, it completely missed what was being said, and seemed to imply that the blogger was a victim and was doing certain things all the time, which if you read the background posts on 'said blog' you would see was untrue.
If you ever want to understand the response given, re-read the blog, and then put yourself in the bloggers shoes and re-read your response.
Now with regards to the part 1 of your post, I guess I'm looking forward to reading part 2.
Firstly, labels like slut, whore, ho' stud are kinda redundant to me, they mean little to nothing, they are labels which are used to try to villify certain types of people and I just don't by that most of the time.
There are women and men out there with massive sexual appetites, why should they hold it in?. As long as they play safe, then good luck to them.
Exploring the issue isn't the problem at all, it's those who pretend that the issue doesn't exist or even that the double standard should be accepted that are the problem.
Your friend will get whats coming to him, certain standards are hard to meet.
But the real question you have to ask your friend is why?.
Check this out.. what if he met a girl who has only slept with 4 people, but she had sex every day for the past 4 years?.
and then he met a girl who had slept with 10 people, but all in all she has had sex for the equivalent of only 6months?.
Whats the difference, to me the number thing from that angle is based on insecurity from a guy, it's saying I don't want you to have too much experience, so I can lord it over you in the bedroom. (sometimes not all the time)
Once again, I apologise shouldn't have stuck my unsolicited two cents in. I really don't know where else to take this one short of taking an entourage of boyz to God knows where to 'dobale'. Pls bygones?
I hear you regarding the 'quantity' argument vs a vis the 'magic number' debate. I had this discussion with my girlfriend in the early days like I said and her view which I emphathise with was about how many women would have an intimate knowledge of her husband, likelihood of bumping into these people at parties (you know the 7 degress of Separation becomes only 2 when we are talking about Naija's - I probably know someone who went to school with etc). Must admit I haven't really heard the 'lording it over you' argument, who are these cavemen?
haba.. no be fight o. I was just trying to clarify things. it's already bygones o. I guess with me, I always flip things over and over in my head and I keep trying to see different aspects and sides. I just thought you would want to understand the response. that's all. anyway.. it's all good jare.
Anyway, the way I see it, I don't expect my other half not to have a past. I don't necessarily mind the number of partners (within reason, obviously I'm not really gonna be checking for someone who has slept with 1000 people or even 100's for a reason)
I like romance, I like to be completely into the person I'm dealing with, I want to give the other half everything, I'd be a lady, a freak, there at the drop of a dime, I'd be a dom, a sub.. whatever and I expect all of that to be reciprocated in full.
Now you know that requires time, commitment, intensity... there's no way you can deliver all of that and have slept with so many people. the commitment just isn't there. (you feel me?)
I think if we naija people can be adult about things, there's no problem in meeting someone who has slept with your other half, but us naija folk being naija folk.. the guy will try to put the other guy down.. saying things like.. I've been there, I did this I did that.
describing in detail what he has done and his boys will pat him on the back. (I've seen it happen)
And it always makes me question how these people could have ever hooked up.
I don't mind meeting the ex of my other half.. why.. cos that's over. you guys are done, don't matter how much you freaked each other. it's past tense and it's past tense for a reason.
the cavemen do exist o, don't worry you'll come across them soon enough.
So whats your number?
well said anonymous - this question needs an answer.....I wish people would just cut to the chase and give some actual numbers.
the lion, I'll need to leave that reveleation till I write part2 so I can 'couch' my number within the text. (Hey I'm human like the rest of y'all, I don't really want peeps calling me bad names...)
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a couple of my friends schooled me about the doubke standard when i was very young. he said everyone has a past, and so i should always learn to look beyond it. she said i should be careful about looking where a girl has been because you will never understand the whys, and its unfair to judge people by things you don't fully comprehend. they were both just a year older, and i was only about 19 or 20 at the time. i never forgot.
the lesson i have learned from this is that i don't bother myself about where my woman has been, or how many she's been with, because just as i have my past, she should have a right to hers.
and i hate to hear people call women names based on their sexual history, the double standard really bothers me. why call a girl a slut and expect your guys to call you a playa for pulling the same shit? not fair.
so, i'ts a question i never ask, even though some women will volunteer the information (especially when the number is low). i just let it slide, just don't ask about mine, because i can't tell you!
Oh wow. I'm only just reading this. I should have checked this out ages ago when the katakata first bust on my blog. You missed the point - it wasn't about the numbers at all. Is two too many or too few? Does it matter? Was my blog for a prospective boyfriend? No. No one knows who I am - so what if I said I'd slept with 7, 15,25 guys even? What then? At least I was being honest.
I obviously care about sleeping around - like most other females on the planet. I think I'm giving a part of myself to the guy I'm sleeping with. Should I be proud of this? Should I be ashamed of this? Do give me the answers as you obviously feel qualified to talk about this. You don't sound very bashful when you say you're 'ashamed to say you're well into double digits' - if anything you sound like most other guys who say this: you're proud of it.
Furthermore, your response was done in a very accusatory manner - it was as if you were accusing me of being a dirty little whore (which of course I take personally - if I am a slut, let it be to the man that possesses my body and my heart, and no one else) and I found the whole tone very patronising, which is why I responded angrily. You can't simply hope to erase the impact of your words by 'raising your hands and saying My Bad' - it doesn't work that way!
My reply wasn't rude - it was perfectly acceptable in the circumstances. I guess I'm tired of guys opening their mouths to make comments when they have no idea of what it's like to be a female, and when they haven't even tried to understand. It's easy to make condescending, insulting comments when you don't understand. As you yourself said, I find most guys guilty of double standards when it comes to issues such as this. Somehow I doubt you'd have stayed with your girlfriend
1. Had she slept with more people than she said
2. Had she not responded in the vehement manner she did
As much as you think it doesn't matter to you, it's pretty evident that it does, like it does to most Naija guys. Even the guys that are careful to say that they don't want to know are biased - they don't want to imagine their girls being with more than a certain number of guys. If they ever actually found out that the number was more than their pre-determined limit (most guys will deny this) then they start acting funny. As if the girl has changed. It makes me angry.
I think that you've been very sheltered. Relationships have come easily to you, but not for any effort in understanding the fairer sex. And you keep using the 'My girlfriend says this or does that' line to cover yourself. If it works for you, fine. But it won't help you forever.
You can hate me (I know you'll say you don't) but I've had my say anyway.
SOUL, BLESS YOUR SOUL. IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT MY BACK IS COVERED, EVEN WHEN I'M NOT THERE!
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